I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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