dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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