Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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