there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
