Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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