saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
