Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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