im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
