absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
