He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Randomize
