I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i love accidental penises.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
