I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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