Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
