I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
