Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
