She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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