did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
one might say we're banned from that church
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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