genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Green mimosas i think yes
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
