I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
