Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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