I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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