It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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