Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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