so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
