Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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