i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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