There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
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