Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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