apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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