Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
