uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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