i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
