Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
