I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Randomize
