Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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