Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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