i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
