we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
