ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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