Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
