I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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