So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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