Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
She's not a foreskin expert like you
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
