I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
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