She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
All I want is dick and wine.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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