ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
