Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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