I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
