I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
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