I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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