life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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